Our Open Adoption - One Year In - Part 1

Marisa's note 9/8/16: It's been 5 years since I updated my blog here. I want to have a spot to collect all the other blogs and interviews I did over the last few years in one place before they all eventually disappear off the web. This is a blog I wrote for our friends' adoption blog. http://sarahandjohnadopt.blogspot.com/2015/07/guest-post-our-open-adoption-one-year.html

Guest Post: Our Open Adoption - One Year In - Part 1

 

 This is a guest post from Marisa, a friend through our agency and mom through open adoption. Please take the time to read both parts of her contribution. Her story is so motivating for waiting adoptive parents and the relationship they have with her daughter's birth mom is simply beautiful. (Part two is up! clicky!)

 I'm so honored that Sarah & John are letting me tell their readers a bit about the open adoption I have with our daughter's birthmom, B. Sarah & John have opened their hearts so much to the world in order to provide a glimpse into their very interesting lives via this blog and their other social media accounts. By being so forthcoming they have already proven that they will be a great match for someone looking to place their child for adoption.  They truly seem to have the right heart for open adoption!

The Beginning
 

We waited a long time, almost 4 years, before we became parents to the most beautiful and perfect baby girl. We had a lot of ups and downs, and close-calls and heartbreaks. Adoption is not for the faint of heart! And then, poof, overnight, our lives changed in the most unimaginable amazing way ever. It was a Monday night, just about 13 months ago that I got the initial message: Baby Girl, born Sunday, super healthy... would you like to be considered? I woke my husband, and he seemed honestly a little confused, so I took him not saying no as a YES! and agreed to our profile being shown to B., the baby's mother.

The next day, Tuesday, I got a call from the facilitator we had hired and was asked if we were ok with the openness that B. had requested. B. was asking for a phone call every 3-4 months. That's it. No visits, no other contact, just a phone call every once in a while. I remember my answer so clearly: "I don't think that's enough!"  We had been wanting an open adoption and hoping to have a really good relationship with our child’s birth parents, so the minimal amount if contact wanted seemed really, really minor. A few hours later, we got the news - we had been chosen to be the parents of a very special little girl, whom we named Elise!

Meeting Elise’s Birthmom

When you are adopting from out of state, which we were (we live in California, and Elise was born in Nevada), you have to wait in the baby's birth state while both states look over paperwork and give their consent to you leaving with the baby. Soon after we got the word that Elise's birthmom had signed all of her paperwork terminating her rights (in Nevada, once signed, it's irrevocable), I heard that she wanted to have dinner with us. We coordinated it through her agency, and decided on Friday, which was two days after we became Elise’s parents.

I was for sure very, very nervous. She chose a steakhouse at an off-strip casino/hotel because she knew it had a quiet area that could give us some privacy.  When we walked in she was waiting for us already and we just hugged and hugged. I was surprised to see that she was about as short as I was, and very, very pretty. I can’t quite remember when I handed her the baby, I think it was right away, and she held her for the entire dinner. Seeing B. holding Elise did not stir any feelings of jealousy or discomfort for me at all. It felt perfectly natural, and I know it put B. at ease that we were already trusting her enough to hold our baby...Which is silly to even think otherwise because she had just given birth to this baby 5 days earlier and entrusted us to raise her, and my God, why wouldn't I trust her, she had done everything right, and given everything and just, DESERVED the respect and trust that I was feeling for her. Sorry, I get a little worked up when I think that anyone could think otherwise.  

Our conversation flowed easily, and in all honesty she did most of the talking. Not in a bad way, though. She told us her family history, her reasons for choosing adoption, what she knew about Elise’s birthfather, the story of Elise’s birth. She was told by her adoption agency that the kind of open adoption she wanted was not feasible, and so she reduced her “must haves” to a phone call every three months. She seemed so sad by this, and it blows my mind that her agency (not our regular CA agency) didn’t have clients that would be open to a more open adoption. She was pretty sure once she said goodbye in the hospital she would never see the baby again. She loves this baby. I mean LOVES her. She is not a dangerous person, she is not a threat of any sort. She is a hard-working, responsible, over-burdened, single mother who is trying to do right by both her children (her older daughter & Elise). 

It seems preposterous to me that it’s a bad idea to have her involved in our lives. We talked for about an hour, then ordered dinner, then talked for about 3 more hours. I think the restaurant wanted us to finish up, but we ignored their attempts. Although there were tears shed by all of us, the only really difficult topic was when we told her we had changed Elise’s name. At that moment I was ready to add four more names just to honor this amazing woman (but in the end we kept her name as my husband & I decided).

A few days later, my husband had gone home and I thought maybe B. wouldn’t mind having dinner with us again and then maybe popping into a Picture People at the mall. I wasn’t sure how open she’d be to it, but I shouldn’t have worried, she was all in. We ended up not making it for dinner (she was running late and then I lost my car keys. For over an hour I scoured the hotel room, and then finally found them stuck in the inner springs of the sofabed!) During that time I was sending panicked texts to B.  and she was talking me down and trying to get me to retrace my steps. I think it made me more real & human, but it was a bit on the embarrassing side. 

We ended up getting some beautiful pictures from the session. We have ones of all three of us, just the two of them, and just me & Elise.  I know that Elise will treasure these forever. It was a very special moment. If that wasn’t amazing enough, I found out the reason she was running late. At the end of the photo session B. presented me with a gorgeous silver memory box from Things Remembered. She had it engraved with Elise’s name, and “a mother’s love never ends” and B.’s initials.  Inside the box was one knit baby bootie. B. had bought the booties when she found out she was pregnant, and decided to keep one and give one to Elise. So now on her monthly birthday, I take a photo of her with the bootie :)  I’m so humbled by this woman’s sacrifice and love.

Our Open Adoption - One Year In - Part 2

Marisa's note 9/8/16: It's been 5 years since I updated my blog here. I want to have a spot to collect all the other blogs and interviews I did over the last few years in one place before they all eventually disappear off the web. This is a blog I wrote for our friends' adoption blog. http://sarahandjohnadopt.blogspot.com/2015/07/guest-post-our-open-adoption-one-year_11.html

Guest Post: Our Open Adoption - One Year In - Part 2

This is part two of a guest post written by Marisa, a friend through our adoption agency and mom through open adoption. Enjoy!  (Part one is located here! )

What our Open Adoption looks like One Year In

We cannot believe our luck in having the most wonderful birthmother in our lives. After our long dinner I texted her a couple photos of her holding and feeding the baby. A few days later she said “But one thing that I have noticed is I have been able to sleep a lot better since I know that she’s with you guys and it that’s a big relief .  that now I can start taking care of myself Thank you .”

After that, I started sending a picture a day. It wasn’t agreed on, or even asked for, but it just seems right. I’m not a prolific picture taker, so having this as a self-imposed obligation had been wonderful for documenting Elise every day. I just snap a pic, text it over, and usually get an “awww,” or “soo cute” in response. Every once in a while I get validation that this is the right path for us, for example these texts:

“I love her Sooo much I just wanna keep on seeing how much you guys love her as well ….makes me feel at peace knowing that you guys adore her and give her all that love and attention she deserves”

“…but I have noticed I have been able to sleep a lil at night ……pics have helped a lot  I must say ……”  “I love when I get them at random and I’m having a stressful day cause I take a min to just feel good and deal with my day a bit better. Thank you Sooo much for that”

I honesty can say that there haven’t been any hiccups, though there were “attitude adjustments” that I needed to make along the way. I don’t think I was prepared for how vested B. was in Elise’s well-being. So when she winced when I told her the baby had lost weight (which is totally normal!!!) I felt a little defensive. 

The first couple of weeks I was getting baby advice from her, and I just had to take a step back and remember that a) she actually does have more experience than I do, b) it was coming from a place of love, and c) pretty much everyone has advice for us and it’s up to us on when to nod and do our own thing or actually take it to heart. Once the first couple weeks passed I really didn’t hear any more commentary on parenting from B. anyway. I think I was looking like a newby at first and she was really just trying to give me the advice that she would give anyone. Totally not a big deal. 

 

We've been back to Las Vegas twice, in fact we just got back last week from our most recent visit. Each time we go, B. makes time for us and meets us where ever we need to be. This time we went to an indoor play place so B. could see Elise in action as well as experience the full gamut of her sweet, tenacious, strong, and silly personality. We also had a couple of meals in our hotel suite, and B. brought cupcakes to celebrate Elise's birthday. Each visit we get a little bit more comfortable and we're really hoping she'll make her way out to us soon. 

So, it’s still early on in our open adoption, but things are going so well. I truly think that having Elise know her story, know her birthmom, know she is loved beyond measure by so many people, can only benefit her. We are so happy.

My sincerest wish is that Sarah and John get this experience, and soon! They are amazing people and I know they have the same love I have for open adoption. They have so much to offer both a new baby, and to that child’s birthfamily. I’ve been spreading the word for them, and I hope others do, too!

The Room and its View

Marisa's note 9/8/16: It's been 5 years since I updated my blog here. I want to have a spot to collect all the other blogs and interviews I did over the last few years in one place before they all eventually disappear off the web. This is a blog I wrote for our adoption website (now just free hosted on Weebly for the time-being) in May 2014. 

The Room and its View

5/3/2014

 

Dear Baby,

Sometimes, while we wait for you, I get a bee in my bonnet about getting things ready for you. It comes in waves, so as of right now it's still a work in progress. We had a nice Living Social deal to get one room painted, so we took the leap and settled on a color. I swear it was a lighter, softer, more baby blue than what actually came out, but I've grown to really like it. Even though it's blue, I think it works for both a boy or girl. In any case, once you're here I'll be adding a lot of things to make it your own, so this is just a starting point. I've picked up a lot of special items on my trips just for you. You have a stuffed lion from Kenya, a monkey from Guatemala, a colorful basket from Uganda, different drums and instruments from Mexico and Ecuador...well, you get the idea.  You'll just have to see them for yourself once you get here, so hurry up!

Even though we put a lot of thought so far into your room, it's actually what's outside your room that's most important. If you take a look outside your window you might see exactly why we moved here - this neighborhood is filled with children! I snapped that picture above around 7:00 last night from your window, and it's just a small sampling of the neighbor kids.  You can even see your cousin Kameran, if you look closely enough. There is so much laughter here, so many bonds, and so many "aunties" - everyone looks out for one another, everyone is family. It's truly an amazing place to raise a family, and I really think you'll like it here!

Hope to see you soon!
Love,
Mom
 

Open Hearts

Marisa's note 9/8/16: It's been 5 years since I updated my blog here. I want to have a spot to collect all the other blogs and interviews I did over the last few years in one place before they all eventually disappear off the web. This is a blog I wrote for our adoption website (now just free hosted on Weebly for the time-being) in March 2014.

Open Hearts

3/22/2014

 

Dear Baby,
    Last week I went to the monthly meeting at our adoption agency. This month's theme was the Open Adoption Agreement - which is what your dad & I will discuss with your birthparents whenever we get matched. The open adoption agreement is so important, and it's one of those things that I want you to know that we take very seriously. See, there are a few different kinds of adoption, and the one we've chosen, open adoption, means that we value having you know your history, and hopefully having a really beautiful relationship with your birthfamily. I've heard through the years that some parents are afraid, or at least a little nervous, about open adoption, but it's all we've ever wanted. There are always crazy, scary stories out there, but I'm so lucky to have had a chance to have birthmoms as friends through the years and each one has taught me about strength, love, and bravery.

            The agreement that we talked about at the meeting gets everyone involved thinking about what this relationship is going to look like, and helps lets us know what expectations we should have. I think we can be pretty assured that everyone involved in your life loves you very much and this agreement let's everyone know that we also respect one another and we're in it for the long-haul. It's a good thing!

            Love,

            Mom

Local fun

Marisa's note 9/8/16: It's been 5 years since I updated my blog here. I want to have a spot to collect all the other blogs and interviews I did over the last few years in one place before they all eventually disappear off the web. This is a blog I wrote for our adoption website (now just free hosted on Weebly for the time-being) in March 2014.  

Local fun

3/6/2014

 

Dear Baby,

    I'm really looking forward to taking you to see the world. Your dad is totally on board with this as well, but thinks we should wait until you're a older, like maybe 10. Me, I just want to strap you into a wrap or carrier & jet off to Greece or Fiji or anywhere where they love babies! So, we'll see who wins this one! At least we have some pretty cool places to visit right around home. I hope you are an animal lover like us, because we have three zoos, a safari reserve, a couple of aquariums and more that I'm not thinking of right now, all within about an hour of us.

    When I was a little girl there were a few places that my dad always took me. Besides used bookstores and Children's Fairyland, we would go up to Tilden Park in Berkeley. You can not believe all the fun things they have there! A carousel, a nature center, a train... and my favorite, the Little Farm. At the Little Farm it kind of stunk, but I didn't care because I could get up close and personal with goats, pigs, and cows. I still remember the feeling of the cow's tongue taking celery out of my hands as I held my breath and giggled. So many wonderful memories were made there. In fact, because of these great childhood memories, guess where your dad & I got married? Yep, in Tilden Park!

    Well, even if you end up not being so crazy about animals, we'll still have tons of places to have fun around here. Maybe you'll love space & science & we can go to the Lawrence Hall of Science or Chabot Space Center. Maybe you'll just want to run around and play and want to take my hand and lead me to the park nearby our home... we can go to the library, or find a bookstore with a great kids' section (did you know that I worked in bookstores all through college?) Seriously, it's pretty hard to be bored around here!

    I can't wait to show you everything!

    Love,

    Mom

This duck pond is part of a shopping center totally close to our home! Here we are feeding the ducks with your cousin Kam & our friend's daughter!

So, who are these people??

Marisa's note 9/8/16: It's been 5 years since I updated my blog here. I want to have a spot to collect all the other blogs and interviews I did over the last few years in one place before they all eventually disappear off the web. This is a blog I wrote for our adoption website (now just free hosted on Weebly for the time-being) in March 2014. 

 So, who are these people??

3/4/2014

 

Dear Baby,
    You are pretty blessed to have a family that is so, so eagerly awaiting your arrival (well, I don't know if your cousin Kayden knows he's waiting for you, but he's only a year old :) ) So who are these people? Let me give you a quick look at the characters around these parts:

Mom (hey, that's me!):  30...something, world-traveler, animal lover, Super Auntie.

---

Dad: Amazing 5th grade teacher, lover of puns, Scrabble & Boggle player extraordinaire.

---

Grandma Debbie & Grandpa John: I don't think there are any two grandparents-to-be who are more anxiously awaiting a grandchild. You're lucky that they live just the next town over!

---

Grandpa David: A master storyteller, he's going to be your confidant and I expect him to take you on as many adventures as he did with me!

---

Nano: Dad's mom who lives with us - a built in grandma!

---

Aunt Sadie: Dad's sister who lives next-door. A non-judgmental counselor, a gentle spirit, a sister I never had.

---

Uncle Junior: An uncle who works at a toy store? Can there be anything more exciting for a kid?? Also known for being a good cook and generous with his time.

---

Kameran and Kayden: Your cousins! Kam is 6, loves superheros and is super smart. Kayden is 1, and loves cats, especially Rye & Minty. 

---

Rye & Minty: Minty is a protector, curious, friendly and acts like a mom to Rye. Rye is sweet, cautious, and very, very fluffy! Both handle being around kids pretty darn well :)

Just haven't met you, yet... (The beginning)

Marisa's note 9/8/16: It's been 5 years since I updated my blog here. I want to have a spot to collect all the other blogs and interviews I did over the last few years in one place before they all eventually disappear off the web. This is a blog I wrote for our adoption website (now just free hosted on Weebly for the time-being) in March 2014. 

Just haven't met you, yet... (The beginning)

3/4/2014

Dear Baby (who doesn't even exist, yet),

    I don't know why it's taken me so long to write to you.. I've thought about you and dreamed about you for so many years now. I guess I always thought you'd be here by now & I could just tell you all these thoughts in person. But, since it's taking a while, I'm just going to write them all down for now :)

    So, how did we get here? Well, Daddy (it's funny to write "Daddy" - hmm, I think for now I'll stick with "your dad" - it's a little less "Cat On a Hot Tin Roof" (which when I was a little girl I had a part in a community theater version of  - I'll explain about Tennessee Williams and plays and musicals maybe when you're just a little older :)) Anyway, your dad & I really, really wanted to have children. It was a longing that I don't think can ever be properly described. We were going to wait until we had been married a year to even try, so we could get ourselves established in a routine and enjoy just being newlyweds for a little while before becoming a family of three or more.

    Well, after about 6 months we changed waiting a year to how about now? But we quickly found out that having biological children wasn't going to be easy for us, and honestly would probably never happen. We went to doctors and they wanted us to try this, try that...but in the end we said, eh, that's ok, we really just want a family, and the more we thought about it, the more we KNEW that open adoption was the path we wanted to take.
    
    So when was that? Last month or last year? Nope, we made that decision nearly five years ago... and it's my hope that this letter & journal will tell you everything you need to know about how & why we've been waiting for you. We love you, and we haven't even met, yet! Hey, that reminds me of a song:

"And I promise you, kid, that I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet
I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life"
-Michael Bublé – Haven't Met You Yet

    I'll write more soon,

    Mom

Blog for Soleil Moon Frye's store, The Little Seed

Marisa's note 9/8/16: It's been 5 years since I updated my blog here. I want to have a spot to collect all the other blogs & interviews I did over the last few years in one place before they all eventually disappear off the web. This is a blog I did for Soleil Moon Frye's store, The Little Seed in 2011. Unfortunately, the original is gone now.

November is National Adoption Month, which seems like a perfect time to give Little Seed blog readers a glimpse into our adoption journey!

My name is Marisa, and my husband Imran & I have been waiting to adopt a child for about a year now. The wait for prospective adoptive parents can be handled in many different ways. Some hopeful parents are anxious and stressed out, some are more "zen" about it all. Us? Well, we're somewhere in between. We go through moments of "hmm, I'm not sure this is really going to happen" to "why don't we have the nursery painted yet, there could be a baby at any moment!" 

For the most part, while we wait, we try to make the most of our time together. We've taken our nephew to the zoo, Children's Fairyland in Oakland, and to a new play-place near our house.  We've done some fun traveling (we both went to Dubai, and I went to Kenya on a work-related safari (I work in the travel business, and Imran is an elementary school teacher)). We've attended a five- hour long newborn care class (Imran's an expert swaddler now!), and met other couples hoping to adopt, just like us. 

One fun part of the wait has been researching the different baby gear out there. When we first started thinking about having children I made extensive lists of everything we thought we'd possibly need. Eventually I started really thinking about that list... and realized it was excessive. Not only that, almost every "big" item on the list was either discontinued, revamped or recalled at some point! 

Seeing all those products go through such transitions in a relatively short amount of time made me realize that simpler is better. If you focus on timeless, natural, and sustainable items you can rarely go wrong. That's one reason I really enjoyed my visit to the Little Seed. Although we live in Northern California, I have the opportunity to visit Los Angeles every once in a while, usually to visit my cousin and her wonderful daughters. Not too long ago we took a little visit to the store so I could see in person what I had been reading about on the Little Seed blog. Not only that, I heard that owner Soleil Moon Frye gives out free hugs. Wait, what? Well, that's a story for another day which involves my cousin & Soleil mistaking each other for other people, catching up, hugging and then realizing they didn't know each other at all (at least my cousin realized that after she left)! 

Anyway, visiting the store was a very pleasant experience. It wasn't overpacked with useless items, everything seemed to be thoughtfully chosen, and prices weren't marked up to cash in on the celebrity angle. I thoroughly enjoyed my visit and it made me consider even further what sort of toys and products I wanted our future children to have access to. I'm not a stickler for all-organic or non-electronic baby things, and I certainly know not to make any sweeping, hardline decisions about what I will or will not allow parenting-wise before I actually have a child, but I do know the more knowledge I have about what's out there and its impact will do nothing but benefit us and our baby in the long run. We're excited about the possibilities!

You can keep up with Marisa & Imran's adoption journey by liking their Facebook page www.facebook.com/ashraffamily or visiting their website www.ashraffamily.com or following them on Twitter @ashraffamily

Interview with Masala Mommas

(Marisa's note 9/8/16: It's been 5 years since I updated my blog here. I want to have a spot to collect all the other blogs & interviews I did over the last few years in one place before they all eventually disappear off the web. This interview with us was done by Masala Mommas: http://masalamommas.com/2011/08/26/choice-adopt-one-couples-cultural-journey/

The Choice to Adopt: One Couple’s Cultural Journey

Anjum Choudhry Nayyar

on August 26, 2011 at 5:07 pm

By Anjum Choudhry Nayyar
Marisa Eide’s first date with Imran Ashraf was at an Ethiopian restaurant. Imran thought the date went really well so he asked Marisa out again and she happily agreed. They’ve been inseparable ever since. After dating for two years Marisa, who was born in California and Imran, born in Karachi were married on a crisp  summer morning in Berkeley in 2005.    Like most couples they thought of waiting for a short time to enjoy married life before having children.
“I imagined what our children would look like, which of our traits they would inherit,” said Eide.  “I wondered if they would be disorganized and easy-going like me, or more studious and balanced like Imran. Would they have my difficult hair and Imran’s beautiful eyes? Eventually we decided we couldn’t wait, and actively started trying to conceive in 2006, about 8 months after we were married.”
Months passed and still there was no baby. Marisa began taking fertility drugs but says the side-effects were too much to bear and several months later the couple decided to investigate IUI as IVF seemed to be too expensive.
“We decided that we could afford to try the IUI a few times, but then we would need to re-assess our options. The first attempt did not result in a pregnancy, and the second time I responded too well to the medications which meant that if we proceeded with the IUI I might be faced with multiples (like quintuplets or higher, not twins or even triplets). This just wasn’t safe, so we forfeited that round of IUI. Our last IUI was also unsuccessful. ”
Marisa and Imran have since had very open and candid conversations about adoption. Marisa says their goal was to have a family so it didn’t matter to her if she carried a child or not. They spent the last year researching, reading, attending information sessions with local agencies, and talking with friends who had adopted, as well as friends and acquaintances who had placed children for adoption.  In October of last year the couple were officially approved to adopt a newborn in the U.S., and have been waiting somewhat patiently ever since. Masalamommas.com had a chance to ask Marisa  about the challenges of adopting and her and Imran’s journey as a mixed couple in this process.
Why did you choose open adoption?
We chose open adoption because we think it’s a wonderful gift to our future child to be able to provide them with some of their background history that might be lost in an old-fashioned closed adoption. We also are really hoping that a solid relationship will develop between us, the birth family, and our child, so that we all benefit from having each other in our lives.  We chose an agency that we believe is ethical, and they did a home study to make sure we can provide a stable home to a child.  When a woman decides to consider adoption and contacts they agency, they counsel her through her choices and show her information about families who’ve already gone through the home study, and she selects a family she would like to parent her child.
How has being in a mixed marriage affected this process/journey?
At first I think we were both a little concerned about how Imran’s mom would take the news, especially since adoption is not a common practice, as far as we knew in Pakistan. But, she surprised us! After being married for a few years I think it was becoming obvious that we were having difficulties. Before we had even decided to tell her that we were considering adoption, she started asking us if we had thought about adoption! It was great reliefs to see that the cultural issues that we thought might cause some conflict were not going to be a roadblock for us.  As a mixed-couple, we never know how a prospective birth mom is going to view us right away, since we’re not a typical-looking couple. However, if anyone is passing us over simply because the color of our skin is different, then they weren’t the right birth family for us anyway.
What do you think is unique when it comes to demands and needs of adopting parents of mixed marriages?
Since we are open to adopting children of any ethnicity or race, we really need to be conscious of possibly three different cultures all co-existing in our household. This means that we have an added responsibility to our future children to teach them to respect their birth-heritage, our heritage, as well as other cultures that exist in our society. We are already a conspicuous family – people tend to remember us when they see us together and when you add in my mother-in-law to the mix, who often wears her beautiful salwar kameezes when we go out together, well, we’re unforgettable!  By already being different, we feel we are prepared to deal with curious stares, possibly ignorant questions, and other sensitive situations with grace and humor, and to protect our future children from feeling like they are outsiders.  Also, we have a very strong bond to our families, and in Imran’s culture that is very important. Imran’s mom lives with us, which is typical in South Asian households, but not as common in western families. We also bought our house at the same time as Imran’s sister and her family, and so we live directly next door to her, her husband, and their wonderful, amazing four-year old son. We really feel everyone benefits from this arrangement!
Can you offer parents like you any tips?
Read, research, reflect… don’t jump straight from fertility treatments to signing up with an adoption agency. Give yourself time to process everything. If you have experienced infertility there’s a book I highly recommend, it’s called “Adopting After Infertility” by Patricia Irwin Johnston. The book is old, but the first chapter or so really helps the reader work through the complicated feelings of leaving behind fertility treatments and moving forward confidently with adoption.
 If you are concerned about adopting because of possible cultural or religious restrictions, take time to really research the different options. There may not be as many roadblocks as you think. There are lots of online resources out there, too. While we were researching the different types of adoption, I spent a lot of time on the pakistanadoption yahoo group and learned an immeasurable amount of information about adopting from Pakistan. It ultimately wasn’t the route we took, but the people on there are very supportive and knowledgeable.
What have you learned from your experience so far?
 I’ve learned that our support system is amazing! Our families and friends have been so good to us throughout this journey. I feel like we are surrounded by love and good will!  In a more general sense, we’ve learned that there is no such thing as “just adopt” – it is a time-consuming, intense, emotional, roller-coaster. Through it all, we have faith that at the end of the journey we will have created our perfect family.
What are some of the misconceptions that are out there on this front?
A big one is that a birth mom can come back at any time to reclaim the baby. This simply isn’t true. Each state in the U.S. has its own laws about the time a birth mother is allowed to stop the adoption and have her child returned to her. In some, once she signs the paperwork it’s irrevocable, in others there is a 30 day waiting period. I’m not aware of any states with a longer period than that. Working with an ethical agency, we are comforted by knowing that any potential birth mom is counseled thoroughly, is aware of her rights, and understands the entire process.
Who have been your mentors along the way ?
 My biggest mentors have been adoptive moms, adoptees and birth moms that I’ve encountered through my life. Hearing their stories and learning from their experiences has given me a huge advantage in going through this journey. I’m fortunate to be friends with many people touched by adoption.
What are you currently doing to overcome your challenges in your journey thus far?
 Since we are not on a waiting list, but instead are chosen by a prospective birth mother, we need to get our names out there so as many people as possible know our story, can see what we’re like and hopefully make a connection. So, we have a website set up, a Facebook page which is updated fairly frequently, I manage a twitter account about our journey and adoption in general, and we also make sure to send out reminders to our friends and family that we are hoping to adopt, and to keep us in mind if they learn of a woman or couple considering making an adoption plan.
Has this process tested your marriage at all, and how you both work together to overcome any challenges?
I was expecting this whole process to test our marriage, but honestly it hasn’t. We figured out early-on that we needed to be on the same page about situations we are and are not comfortable with. We spoke honestly and openly with each other and have made a promise that if something just doesn’t feel right to one or the other, then we don’t go forward. It’s wonderful to know that we have each other’s full support.

Fantastic...and funny newborn care class

This past Saturday the husband & I went to a newborn care class for adoptive parents.

The information was presented really well, and even though most of the stuff I knew already, there were still some new pointers & techniques - and the husb loved it, too. My only real problem with the class was the diapering - the teacher was not up to date on cloth diapers, and pretty much discouraged the use of them. It was to the point where I heard at least one person say that she was no longer considering cloth diapering... I mentioned that in my eval, but otherwise the info was really good.

So, the funny part was this guy sitting next to me. He had no problem asking pretty much any question that came into his head. Now, he was not obnoxious in any way - but it was as though he was just learning that babies existed at that very moment. A couple of great questions: "When do you put a diaper on a baby?"  "If you put the baby in a sleep sack, do they wear a diaper, too?" On riding a bike: "Oh, you don't just put the baby on the back of a bicycle?" (I think he meant like in one of those kids seats on the back of a bike, but not a trailer, since he also needed some clarification on why not to put a baby in the bike trailer, which someone else had asked about). There was a question about putting a baby in a stroller, but I can't exactly remember, but he seemed very incredulous that a baby can go in a stroller right away - but he might have been thinking about an umbrella stroller and not a bassinet or travel system - so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt on that one. There were so many more, but now I'm just blanking. 

I loved this guy because even though he asked some pretty strange questions, it was as though he was asking everything that the "typical guy" might want to ask, but would be too intimidated. He had no fear of asking a "dumb" question and he did it with such enthusiasm!

I talked to him a tad afterward, and he was a really nice guy, and his wife just sort of grinned and said he's an "external processor" ... then, of course, because I'm nosy, I looked them up on their agency's website and found out they're matched.. so I guess this class came at a good time for them!

Updates all around

About, um, maybe 2 minutes after I wrote my last blog post, the one where I found out that the potential birthmom we had been working with, who our agency was concerned was a scammer, had reclaimed her baby from another adoptive parent... well, I contacted her. At that moment I felt an intense need to explain to her why we hadn't gone forward, to let her know that we didn't have any hard feelings, but we just didn't think she had been ready to make an adoption plan and that we needed to be protected since maybe we also weren't ready to go forward since we had just gone through so much with Olivia in the days before.

I got a message back from her immediately. She had hated the woman she matched with, but it was a last-minute type of thing and kept thinking her feelings would change. When they didn't, she & her husband decided to take the baby back and try to find another placement for her. She asked if we were still interested. So, that set off another couple weeks, maybe just a week, of craziness in our household again. Our agency was really, really adamant that the risk was way too high. I truly think we could have handled the emotional risk, but unfortunately, the financial risk was not something we were able to handle. If she had been in our state, or even in a state that our agency was licensed in, then we probably would have gone forward.  We left things on a good note, although she was very, very angry at our agency... but at least we got the "closure" that I seem to crave.

My next update is on sweet Olivia. I must say thank God for open Facebook walls... I had sent a couple of e-mails to Olivia's dad trying to find out what was happening with her, and other than thanking me for sending over some pictures, I never heard anything more from him. About a week or so ago he changed his FB profile picture to a current one of Olivia. His wall said he loved his baby girl, and there was one other picture. My God, she is a doll. She was smiling in one, and in the other she was being held by someone. But, there was nothing else... then Friday there was a post - "I hate court!" and when people asked what for he said to get his daughter back. I checked that page nearly every half hour for another update. Then yesterday evening, I checked again, and he had closed his wall :(    Randomly, I clicked on one of his friends, and guess what? they had made a comment on a new post he had made, and I was able to see the post, and the comments (Facebook really sucks, privacy-wise, though for snoops like me - hey, I used to work for a PI, it is a godsend)... anyway, he said "thank God I got my daughter - full custody."

Could you imagine if we had tried to stop him? First, how wrong it would be since he obviously wasn't in favor of adoption, and second, Olivia is now three months old - three months of legal fighting... losing her was so hard after two days... we can't even imagine after 3 months... we feel peace, once again, and I know that she is with family that loves and cherishes her.

So now we're back to square one. We've had very few hits on our website, though our letter has been sent out about 18 times since January.  I'm adding our links to any free adoption sites out there, and on one message board a young woman left her e-mail address and asked me to contact her, but she never responded back again. That was a week ago... I'm trying to get our name out there, but it seems so futile sometimes.

I try to keep this blog and my adoption networking efforts separate, but if you'd like to Like our Facebook page, I'd really appreciate it. You can send me an e-mail to dragonflybride at gmail dot com, and I'll send you the link...

Well, that's a relief... I guess

Yesterday I got an update from the attorney that had been working with the possible birthmom who our agency thought was possibly emotionally scamming us.  At first I could just see the first line of his e-mail: "She had a baby girl."  With that line I became so angry, so mad that I hadn't allowed myself to trust my gut that she wasn't a scam artist, or mentally ill. Just someone who didn't want to follow every rule and guideline that our agency was trying to get her to adhere to. I was sure, after reading that one line, that we had made a mistake - a big one.

A few minutes later I was able to get back into my e-mail (stupid non-iphone makes life difficult for reading e-mails), and read the rest of the message: "she placed her with a prospective adoptive parent, and then took the baby back several days later."  Wow. My first thoughts and feeling were of compassion and sadness for the potential adoptive parent (an also concern for the (birth)parents who I don't think would have made the decision without a lot of grief on their end), and then relief- sweet, sweet relief.

Here's a little list of why:

1) We were chosen!  - legitimately. She really did want us, but she just wasn't ready to actually place a child for adoption, and since she resisted all attempts at helping her work through her options, or have counseling, she realized this very, very late. She said such nice things to us about our profile and photos... well, it had been a pretty tough blow to our egos to think that she was just making things up. Plus, she everything she had ever told us checked put (everything from her employer to her kids names and schools, down to her weight & height were verifiable due to the magic of internet snooping), and that was the one thing that always made me question the "scammer" diagnosis.

2) Our agency saved us again. Yes, the did tell us they were getting a scammer vibe from her, which we took as gospel, but besides that they said she simply wasn't acting like a person who is truly ready to place their baby for adoption. They wanted me to back off from insisting that she call them - she needed to make those calls herself, of her own accord, and she never did (other than one time to say that she was told she had to call). They were right. She wasn't ready,and in the end their instincts saved us a heck of a lot of heartache.

3) We were inconvenienced by her actions, but not devastated. If we had matched with her officially, we would have been out thousands of dollars. She wasn't asking for birthparent expenses, but we would have needed air fare, hotel, an attorney, another agency in her state, etc. etc. If we had gotten as far as the other potential adoptive parent did, and then she decided that adoption wasn't what she wanted to do - well, we would either have to stop for a year, or owe my parents a lot of money, neither of which I'm wanting to do.

4) Just simply relieved that we weren't hurt tremendously by her reclaiming the baby if we had gone forward with her. Emotionally, after what we had just endured with Olivia - well, I just don't think either of us would ever have recovered. It's always the right of the birthparent to decide against adoption, even at the last moment. But, our hope is that whoever we're matched with will get non-directive counseling, and have time to process all the emotions and realities of the situation and thus be prepared to make the decision that is best for them.

I reached out to Olivia's dad

Against my dh's wishes, and probably my better judgment, I knew I had to reach out to Olivia's father. I had been crying every day for nearly a month. Any time I had a quiet moment my thoughts would drift back to her and the tears would start up again. I knew that my issue was more than just grief from not being her parent, but for the unknowns, where was she, was her dad able to get custody, how about his family? What happened after we left her?

I had some paperwork from the hospital, and her father's name was listed, and his city. It ends up he lives not too far from us, and yeah, I had a fantasy of me sending him a note, and him letting me know everything was ok, and why sure I could bring over some Christmas gifts and set up a college fund for her, and we could keep in touch and I could make sure she was always doing ok... Of course, reality was a little bit different.

So, I got on facebook and did a little search. Up popped his name and picture... and his wall was open. I clicked, and there was a little tiny post that announced the birth of his daughter. It was posted about 3 days after we had said goodbye, and people were congratulating him and he seemed so proud. But, that was it. A few days later there was a post that just said "i hate court." And then nothing else relevant. Well, that didn't help me at all, so I thought long and hard, and finally wrote him the following note, and hoped he would take pity on me and answer at least some of my questions.

Dear J., 

You & I don't know each other, but we both know someone very special - (baby Olivia, but I used the name that was on the hospital paperwork). We were the family that was set up to adopt her from the hospital. I need to tell you that at first we didn't know that you were involved, or wanted to be involved. When we found out that you didn't know that CPS or an adoption plan was in place, and that you wanted to be a father to sweet Olivia, then we made the extremely heart-hurting decision to step out of your and your family's way. We knew that it wasn't going to be easy for your side of the family to step in, fathers have very few rights in the USA, and CPS especially isn't the easiest to deal with. But, **we** couldn't be a hurdle to stopping a family who wanted to take care of their child.

You might be wondering why I'm contacting you now. The truth is, I haven't stopped crying for three weeks. Not because we aren't parents, but because once we left Olivia at the hospital, we never knew what happened next.  I need to know that she is ok, that we didn't do something wrong, that your family was able to get the ball-rolling for custody, or at least that you've heard where she is, and she's ok.  Can you please, please let me know?

I have some pictures of her from our night at the hospital with her. I'd love to send them over to you (I can e-mail them, or maybe set up a FB album, or just drop them off somewhere (we're in the East Bay). She really stole our heart in the short amount of time that we spent with her. She is a really special little girl, and I will never forget her. It would mean the world to me if you messaged me back and let me know how she is doing.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I am so sorry if this is coming off as really strange, but please know my heart is in the right place, and I don't think it's bad for so many people to care about one little baby :)

The next day I had a FB message back, and although the news wasn't great, the first line made me feel so good: "I'm glad you sent this message." Apparently, the baby's mom is now claiming he's not the father, and he's gone to court once and been told he needs to take a DNA test, and he's not getting any answers, but he has a court date this week... He didn't answer anymore of my questions about if she's ok or if he's seen here, or who is taking care of her... I hope he sends me another update... At this point, I have no idea if he's capable of taking care of this baby. I don't know if anyone in his family can pass a background check, I don't' know anything, but I do know that at least he's making an effort, and that's more than many men do.

It's been odd... in may ways I feel like I am on the other side of an adoption - I had to do the best thing for the baby and myself by saying goodbye, and yet I was left with so many questions, and so much uncertainty and insecurity. It's amazing how just having the little amount of contact with her father (I'm really assuming he's the dad, he's always been the dad, and he and the mom were living together when she became pregnant, so it's not like he was a one-night stand or something) has put a little bit of peace in my heart, like I still have a link to her.

If I hear anything else, I'll update here, but the one thing that gets me through is telling myself that she's most likely with a family who is just loving and loving her, maybe a foster family or maybe an adoptive family that was willing to be in a risky situation, but in any case, I truly feel she is being loved, and I'm actually getting through days without crying now. I just hope I'll get a little more info soon. 

2010 can suck it

Ok 2010, you have just a little over 2 weeks to redeem yourself, but really, who are we kidding. 

Let's take a look at some of the lowlights and, to be fair, some of the highlights of this past stinking year.

January 1, 2010. If there was ever an inauspicious beginning to a new year, this had to be it. Started the year off by getting food poisoning so bad I ended up in the emergency room. I spent the first 10 days of the year completely housebound in pain and drained, in every sense of the word. Plus I had to field messages from my boss insisting that I had cholera. 

The next few months were consumed with the buying of our house. Every other day we were delayed, delayed and delayed some more with our loan. At one point we had resigned ourselves that the house we had been waiting for for 8 months wasn't going to be ours. 

Luckily, everything finally came together, the bank got their act together and we were able to close just a couple of weeks late. Yay for our first house, with plenty of room for our eventual new baby!

After February, everything was normal. I can't think of any really big disappointments, so that's good.  I did get to visit Mexico's Copper Canyon with two of my co-workers, and that was a nice diversion.

Edited to add: I forgot to mention my car accident in June! I was hit at full speed by a hit & run driver on the freeway. Thank God I wasn't hurt (other than some back pain), but having to pay a $2k deductible didn't feel very good!

In September, our adoption homestudy was finally approved, more than one year after we had begun (we delayed everything due to the new house). In October we went live, and waited for a match.  

In early November I went to Guatemala as a representative of my company, and that had its ups and downs, but for the most part was a highlight. Then in late November were matched with sweet Olivia, and in a whirlwind of 48 hours we experienced the most amazing feelings of love and responsibility to the deepest despair after having to say goodbye. Though we never actually got to say goodbye. All our decisions were made in a dingy Motel 6 away from the hospital... 

At the end of November, the morning after we got home from leaving Olivia, we were contacted by another woman who said she had chosen us to be her unborn baby's parents. Unfortunately, after two weeks of leading us on, but never following up with any of the agency's requests, including signing releases in order to have her pregnancy confirmed, or even telling them that she wanted to match with us, or even remembering our names when she did briefly call the agency.... the agency said in their best judgment that she was an emotional scammer and that we should disengage. The agency let her know that in order to move forward she needed to contact them, and instead she sent me a text that said the agency told her she wasn't allowed to contact us again, so sorry... 

Which leaves us here, in mid-December wondering what more hell we're going to have to go through before this year is finally over. 

Edited to add 12/16: This blog post must have really gotten to me, because last night I had a dream that I was going to die, and I was put on a plane that had designated seating for those with whatever illness I had. One of my thoughts, was, shoot, now I have to add this to my list of sucky things of 2010 on my blog!

Triggers

A few friends got together when they heard that we had been chosen by Olivia's birthmom and gave my husband and I an amazing, generous, fantastic giftcard to Babies R Us. I received it after we had come home without Olivia, but instead of it making me cry or super sad, I felt love and joy and even some relief. Well, first I felt guilt, because the gals who pitched in were obviously excited about our news, and I felt so bad that I had disappointed them that I actually was trying to find a way to reimburse them for the giftcard, but I was told pretty quickly that I was being ridiculous and it was a gift for us and our forever baby, whoever that ends up being... 

Anyway, it was an e-card, and on Sunday I started getting really paranoid that I would have a computer failure, or my cats would eat the printout, etc, etc, and somehow I would lose the e-card, so I decided to go into BRU to exchange the e-card for a physical gift card. Easy peasy. Since I had handled walking into BRU so well, I thought I would go ahead and take a run through the aisles... I swear I was doing fine, making mental notes, comparing items... until I came to the diaper bag aisle. There I saw the diaper bag my mom had bought me on the day we went to go get Olivia. She had called us from BRU right as we were leaving and said she had a ton of stuff for us, could we make a quick detour and meet her to get everything? So we did, and out of her trunk came a jumbo sized BRU bag overflowing with pink. Pink snowsuits, pink outfits, pink blankets, and a very pink diaper bag... we just laughed and hugged and took it with us. 

When we didn't come home with Olivia, I didn't know what to do with all the pink stuff.  I kept it in my trunk for about a week, and then slipped back to my mom's house and dropped it off. I didn't care if she took it back, or kept it for us for another time, but I just couldn't have the sea of pink taunting me.  So, she took the stuff back to BRU, most of it anyway. When I went to BRU on Sunday, there, right in front of me, was the the diaper bag, my diaper bag, the one I had taken all the stuffing out of and carried into the hospital because I was told that the hospital would fill it up with baby goods. It was right in front, and there was no denying it had been the one my mom had bought for me.  I quickly exited the store and waited for the tears and sobs to begin. But they didn't. 

Feeling empowered by not breaking down at BRU, I went to the mall to try to get some shopping done.  As I was smelling all the goodies at the Body Shop, a sight caught my eye. It was a white woman with an African American baby girl. The baby was beautiful, a bit older than a newborn, but still pretty young. She had curls like Olivia, but longer. Her skin was a similar shade and I just stared and then the tears started welling up, and I wanted to explain the the woman why I was staring at her, but instead the tears just started flowing. The mom was wearing her baby in a carrier or a wrap, just like I've dreamed of doing, and they seemed both really at peace, and I just wanted to talk to her, but I was afraid that I would freak her out with my tears and my story, and also I have urges to touch tight curls, and I realize that's not appropriate, but I'm not sure I can help myself, so it's best if I keep temptation away (my poor cousin, who is biracial, just chopped her hair off and she was a victim to me needing to run my fingers through curls. :))... so I quickly left the store and the mall.  

Throughout my ttc journey, and up to this point, I've never needed to avoid baby-related things (pregnant ladies, showers, stores), but this day was just too tough on me. I didn't realize I would be triggered by just going to the mall and seeing a sweet baby and her mom, but I was and now I need to figure out ways to deal. I'm just so worried about Olivia. Although we are no longer in the way of her father & his family, we were just one of many hurdles for them to get through, and I don't know where she is now or who she is with... my assumption is that she's with a foster family and I just hope they realize how amazing she is. 

So, I have a situation brewing with another potential birthmom, but for right now, she's not cooperating fully with our agency so I'm sort of disengaging until we get some things cleared up. I'll write more about all that a little later. Life is strange sometimes.

I was a mom for two days...

Dear Blog World, I apologize to those who have already read this. These are the posts that I wrote on my local mommy/woman's message board which chronicle the crazy week I've just lived through. It has been hell.

November 16, Tuesday
At least this will be all over quickly...
We have agreed to be shown to a woman who is due 11/25. This is through a facilitator who we aren't signed up with, but who we gave some of our profiles to.  She is showing four other couples to this woman, so it's not like we are really holding our breath, but you never know. The situation is even more complicated, because the woman really wants to parent, but believes that CPS will step in as soon as she gives birth & will terminate her parental rights right away (I don't have any other details). In these types of situations, the birthparent can sometimes work with an adoption professional to have some choice in the matter of who to choose instead of CPS getting involved. There is a chance that CPS won't be involved, and in that case she would parent.

So, there are many, many things that make this a very slim chance for us, and I'm feeling extreme calm. Perhaps denial. In any case, I guess I'll need to talk to my boss finally about our plans to adopt!
Welcome to my roller coaster!

 November 21, Sunday
Ladies, we were chosen. And....the baby girl was born last night, we got the call this morning. The two things that we were waiting to hear about happened - she had to choose a family (due to past CPS issues, otherwise CPS would step in and take the baby, they were already at the hospital waiting for her), and she CHOSE US! I have very little info, but we're going up tonight! I'll know more later. I can't write anymore because we haven't actually prepared for a baby and we are now running around like crazy persons. People, I think I'm about to be a mommy!

November 23, Tuesday
Just to let you know that we are having a lot of complications here and we don't know if we are coming home with the baby. There have been a lot of lies, and they are important lies, life altering lies as well as information previously witheld from us. Besides the lies, sorry to be vague, we also have just been alerted to some birthfather drama. We are trying to hold it together, but it is hard. I thank you very much for all your emails, fb mssgs, and words of support here, but we honestly don't know what is going to happen. Love you all, thank you! 

November 23, Tuesday
Dear Friends,
It is with an intensely heavy heart that I have to let you know that we did not bring the baby home with us, and have stepped away from the situation. I will try to tell the story here...
When we got the call that the baby had been born, and we had been chosen, and that CPS was in place to take the baby but were allowing us to step in, all seemed right in the world. We were told that the birthmom was clean and sober, the baby was healthy, the birthfather was a deadbeat and hadn't given any support during the pregnancy, which meant he was out of the picture.

When we arrived, the facilitator met us and then offhandedly told us the baby had tested positive for cocaine and opiates, but that the birthmom swore up and down that she hadn't used, that there was no way it could be true. The facilitator told us she probably had been around someone smoking crack, and that was the reason the baby had tested positive. There was no way she would have used, as she was in school to be a drug and alcohol counselor. We were idiots and gullible and accepted that explanation, plus we were being rushed through the hospital, getting banded, etc. Then the facilitator told us that the birthdad had been visiting the mom and baby in the hospital with his father, and he didn't know up to that point that CPS was going to be involved. So, he was all ready to meet his daughter, and then he got the news that the mom had chosen adoption, or was facing the baby going into foster care. The facilitator told us he was a really nice guy, and wanted to be updated with photos and letters, and that his dad told him he supported adoption because he wasn't in a place to really take care of a baby, and his dad wasn't in a place to help him either. So, that made us feel like the birthdad was on board, sad, but on board.

Immediately we got to meet the little baby, and the hospital was so nice to us, they let us have a room to ourselves for the night, and we got to take care of the baby right away.

She was so sweet. She never fussed, she just slept and every once in a while she opened her eyes, but pretty much she was just peaceful. I spent a lot of time with her in my arms, and so did dh. We started thinking of names, and at one point during the night I woke up with the name "Olivia", and we looked at her and it just fit. She sort of looked like a little olive, too... :) I will forever remember the feeling of her hair in my hand. They were so soft, and so, so curly, tight little curls. The curls felt so nice, I could rub and massage her head forever, and even now I wish I could find something that felt like that so I could get that feeling back.
The next morning we were told that the hospital workers had made a mistake in giving us a room, it was against hospital policy, blah blah blah, but we were so happy to have had that time.

As far as the birthmom, she had already checked herself out of the hospital by the time we got there. We are told it was a horrifically dramatic scene, with her not letting go of the baby and having to have security called on her to pry the baby away. She was really hoping she could fly under the radar, and get away without CPS being notified, but it wasn't to be. We learned later that this was baby #9 for her, and all had been removed. We learned even later that she had been addicted to cocaine since she was 14(she's 30 now) and she had admitted to one of the social workers that she had been sober for two years, but had a relapse recently (obviously), but still didn't admit to using cocaine at the end of her pregnancy. None of this was known to us previously.

In the morning, the pediatrician came in and we were expecting for him to release the baby from the hospital, but he told us that the birthmom had tested positive for strep b, so the baby needed to stay another night in the hospital for observation. He didn't explain well what the consequences of strep b was on babies if they happen to get it,  and he was in and out so quick that we never even had a chance to think of any questions.
After he left, we had a call from a social worker from our agency (not the facilitators office), and she wanted to know if we were ok parenting a baby with cocaine exposure, since it was something that we had previously said absolutely not to. We told her what the facilitator told us, that it was a "passive exposure" and we were told absolutely not. In order to test positive, she had to have ingested it, and since cocaine only stays in your system for up to 72 hours, she had to have taken it right before having the baby.

We talked long and hard about raising a child with cocaine exposure and after some research, ultimately decided we would take the leap. But, before we had come to that decision we called the facilitator to ask her what explanation she had, and instead of reassuring us, or being compassionate, she simply said that she believed the birthmom and if we weren't going forward, that she had families ready to go to take our place. So right then, I started having my doubts about the facilitator. I got off the phone and said to myself, "what a b!tch."

Then my mom talked to my dh and heard about the strep b, and she started texting me non-stop about the effects of it on a baby, if they get it. It was unbearable, especially since we were really more concerned about the cocaine. Of course this got us all riled up, until we finally did some research (and called on a pediatrician), and ultimately, the baby was fine, and would probably continue to be fine, so we were at peace with that aspect.

Then we got a call from our agency social worker, who told us that the birthdad's family had been calling every professional involved (hospital Social worker, CPS social worker, our social worker) and saying that they were willing to take the baby. Now at this point, it gets really tricky. Honestly, the birthfather truly has no rights unless he fights for them, and fighting isn't easy or inexpensive. But, in our mind, just because the law isn't on the father's side, that didn't mean that we thought that was morally right. We were told that he hadn't given any support during the pregnancy, but we found out that was probably not true. We had our social worker talk to him again, and he had decided not to sign the paperwork for the adoption. At this point the scenarios were:
a) take baby Olivia home, hope that no one in birthdad's family would ultimately fight for the baby, and after 30 days she would be legally ours.
b) take baby Olivia home, contact an attorney, and start legally battling birthdad and family, and hope for success.
c) take baby Olivia home, use all our resources (which are low at this point) to fight birthdad's family and ultimately have to either give her back to his family, or to CPS (because when a birthdad contests an adoption, the baby will often go back to the mom, but since mom was unfit, baby goes to CPS).
d) decide that the risk of having to say goodbye after having the baby for a month or longer was too great, that it would kill us emotionally, so we walk away now.

Our social worker advised us that scenario d was what she would do, especially after talking to the birthdad.  This was his first child, and he was ready to fight, and truly hadn't been given a chance to even try to get his resources or family together to parent. And he wanted to be a parent. Our social worker asked us if we were prepared to give the baby back after a month or so, could we live with that? That that is what we needed to ask ourselves and brace ourselves for.

We didn't want to be living with the knowledge that we were keeping a baby from her family, a family that wanted her.

So, we chose d. And no, it is not easy, and I feel like vomiting most of the time, and I cry uncontrollably, and I miss baby Olivia so much, and I don't know what sort of life I've just sentenced her to. And I'm heartbroken... but I'm not destroyed. We feel peace about our decision. We know ourselves, and know what we were capable of, and fighting this fight just wasn't the right thing for us. I know that must be hard for everyone to hear, especially because we wanted it so much, but in the end my dh & I really came together and agreed... and we're dealing.

Thank you so much, everyone, for all of your thoughts, e-mails, and messages. I had many, many offers of baby clothes and gear, and I know that some of you had my address, so I don't know if anything was sent my way, but if it was, don't worry, I appreciate it and will return it to you if needed, or put it away for the next baby. Because there will be a next baby. I'm sure of it.

Just to make you cry a little bit harder, here is a picture of me and Olivia. This is after our night with her, so I'm looking a little tired:
 

Today, while I was standing on a grave...

I received a rope burn on my neck and chin from an errant kite.
Ok, so i'm in Guatemala right now, and was attending the Santiago Sacatepequez All Saints Day kite festival with a group of my clients (I work for a travel company). In Guatemala the cemeteries are not solemn places, but places to rejoice and celebrate those that have passed. The kite festival takes place in the cemetery on nov 1 and it's beyond surreal. Ok I'm finding it hard to type on this machine, so I'll cut this short and just say if you see anyone running towards you with a rope attached to a kite, get out of the way! Even if you think you are out of the way, get even further away. Ow!
I don't have my pictures up yet, but here's a link that shows you a bit about what I'm talking about : http://www.travelsinparadise.com/guatemala/kites/index.html

Little update

Ok, so I called the facilitator yesterday, and we talked for about 40 minutes. She runs a very good program for women in need. Makes sure they have counseling, education, some skills, works on their goals. Adoption isn't the main focus, but she wants it there as an option, and she wants it done right.

My feeling is that the women they work with may be out of our comfort level, and that's ok. But, she will hold our profile without charge, and if there is someone who she thinks we'd like to be shown to (after she's gone through her contracted families), she'll call & ask if it's ok, and then we go from there. The gal who is due in January had just one red flag for us, and so I didn't get much more information other than her situation. 

Craziness

Ok, I'm just putting this down here so I can remember. It's nothing that should cause too much alarm or excitement. I am simply calling someone tomorrow, or maybe tonight if I can reach her in time, about a possible situation. Baby due in January. That's all I know. I don't know if it fits any of our drug/alcohol/mental illness criteria, or anything. I don't know if we can afford the fees. I don't know anything, except that I am supposed to call tomorrow.

It's a long story of how I got to this place, and I'll try to explain as best I can.
One week ago, I dropped our profiles off at our adoption agency. I was very excited, and couldn't believe after more than a full year of getting ready to come to that point, it was finally here! I sent out a note to just about everyone in our address book about our adoption plan, and links to our website, profile, Facebook page, etc etc.  One of those people that got our info was my step-grandma. My step-grandma started talking to a friend of hers who'se daughter had recently adopted,a nd was adopting again. The daughter had ben with an agnecy for to years and hadn't been matched, so she contacted a facilitator. The facilitator came through for her, and she was matched.

So, now the facilitator has several situations that she's looking for prospective adoptive parents for. But, of course, the facilitator has fees, fees that would be crazy for me to pay now, since we JUST went live with our own agency. But, here's where the crazy part comes... my mom got really excited, did some of her own research, but mainly just listened to this third hand information, and offered to pay the facilitators fee for me if I wanted to open our search up. So, I'm torn, but at the very least it's worth me checking out for myself.

The woman who used the facilitator talked to me a bit this weekend, and just Facebooked me that she called the facilitator and the facilitator wants to talk to me about a baby being born in early January via scheduled c-section. So, that's what I'm calling about tonight or tomorrow morning. Too say I'm nervous is truly an understatement!!

I'll update later.